Pre(Pairing) to Get Lucky?

Let me be clear - This is NOT a step-by-step guide to pulling a Cosby. There will be NO mention of quaaludes, Rohypnol, or GHB. This isn't even geared towards those 20-something "models" you see chugging copious amounts of rosé to get through what will inevitably happen with the bloated sugar daddy footing the bill for their table at 1 Oak. No, this is set of date night recommendations for two CONSCIOUS (it's absurd that I have to emphasize this), CONSENTING adults.       

if this is the vibe you're going for...
Then, Irrespective of gender, here's the alcohol formula you should adhere to:

"OR" is the operative word here. Two flutes of bubbly, two glasses of wine (red improves blood flow way more than white), OR one strong cocktail. And, yes, I realize that this may sound super restrictive if you're over the age of 17 or weigh more than 90 lbs. However, I have the liver of an Irish dockworker, and I still believe in sticking to this formula for a few major reasons: 1: Drunken hookups are sloppy - chances are that you or your partner will end up doing something highly embarrassing, regretful, or both; 2: Alcohol-laced morning breath is worse than mustard gas, and I'd bet money that one of you doesn't have a toothbrush; and 3: This is the perfect amount of liquid courage to increase excitement, improve performance, and avoid hangover-induced memory loss.

Now, what to eat?  

Don'ts
  • Aggressively Spicy Indian or Thai Food - Unless you're under the impression that uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea and streams of snot are key ingredients for a successful first night with that special someone, stay away from these cuisines. You don't need to be "cultured" 24/7... just go check out the MOMA's latest East Asian exhibit in the morning
  • Mexican Food - avoid beans in general... you know the drill
  • Buffalo Wings* - The heat warning applies here too. Plus, I personally don't consider a chin drenched in buffalo sauce to be a turn on (but maybe you do). So, I'll leave this one up to your discretion
  • Raw onions and/or Garlic - I LOVE garlic... probably more than my own family. So, this one's especially painful. A little garlic's fine, but you shouldn't smell like you're trying to ward off the cast of Twilight. The caveat: garlic + garlic cancels itself out. So, if you're really committed to that Aglio pasta, just make sure your date reaches for the garlic bread
  • Steak heavier than 8 ounces - This one's a little less obvious. Guys seem to think that if they ravage a massive piece of meat in front of their date, it subliminally signals that they're ready to do the same in the bedroom. But, here's where the logic gets faulty - that quantity of beef (assuming it's not the only thing you've scarfed down all night) is going to cause bloating and exhaustion. Let's be real, unless you've also done a line or two, nobody's ever left a dinner at Peter Lugers ready to rage
  • Crustaceans (i.e. lobster, crab, and shrimp) that you have to crack open with your hands - 1: sharp pieces of shell under your nails make for a majorly uncomfortable dinner and 2: it's the antithesis of sexy when a guy run his smelly, crabby hands through your hair. It takes at least a shower and a half to get that stench out. Hard pass
    Do's
    • Sushi - It's light, bite-sized, and you can even feed each other. For more info on what to drink with your nigiri, check out these recommended sushi pairings
    • Seafood (i.e. oysters, scallops, whole grilled fish) - In the same vein as sushi, these guys won't weigh you down, you actually look seductive while eating 'em, and some can even put you in the mood. They generally come raw, lightly seared, or sauteed in butter and wine. I dare you to find a more sensual pairing than a glass of Moët and a caviar-topped oyster
    • Steak (4-6 ounces) - Steak can be sexy, provided you don't ingest enough to knock you on your ass or stop your heart. If you do find yourself at a great steakhouse before a night of steamy expectations, feel free to go for that succulent piece of meat. Just make sure it's portioned appropriately. Pass out too early, and you may never get a round 2
    • Wings* - If you, for whatever reason, can't bear to part with chicken wings, even before sex, you really need to try Bonchon. It's Korean, double-fried chicken, covered in a mess-free soy-garlic or spicy glaze. I'm not gonna lie, they make an arousing drumstick
    • Dark Chocolate - This is a no-brainer. Whether it's coating strawberries or a cake's molten center, dark chocolate is the most tantalizing course you can order before your "actual" dessert. It's sinfully good, gives you a kick of caffeine, and amps up your serotonin. Plus, you can drizzle it on and lick it right off.