Parks, Picnics, and Pinot: Perfect Pairings for Public Drinking

Assuming the weather remains on it's mood stabilizers, it looks like warm temps are here to stay and, considering New York City just recently decriminalized public drinking, you should be out celebrating by rolling up to central park with a perfectly packed picnic basket and (at least) 1 bottle of bubbly. Cheers to the end of Cab in Coffee Thermoses!

Sensual Selections

Here's the thing about cheese - every salty, creamy, gooey chunk has a vino soulmate. Sauternes is Blue Cheese's ride or die, Brie and Chenin Blanc are the greatest couple since Jack and Rose (sans the tragic ending), and Parmesan's love affair with Chianti puts that whole PB&J thing to shame.   So, in theory, you could bring a bottle of each cheese's perfect match but, let's be real... who's gonna lug 4 bottles, in the heat, through a park. Not this chick. So, instead, opt for an off-dry Riesling like the 2011 Milbrandt Traditions Riesling ($12). Its high acidity, tropical fruit notes, and mild sweetness make it a super flexible cheese pairing partner. And, at that price, grab 2!

I'm sorry, I don't care how big a turn-on you think a molten lava cake or that $1000 gold leaf drenched sundae is - no dessert will ever be as sexy as a perfectly executed chocolate covered strawberry. Even when it's messy and melting and strawberry juice is running down your chin, it's hot. So, whether the picnic is a way to pop the question or simply apologize for streaming the entire HOC season alone, make sure to pack at least 6 strawberries along with a sweet, sparking rosé like the 2010 Braida di Bologna, Brachetto d’Acqui ($19) This lush, delicate, super aromatic bubbly, which rocks gorgeous red berry notes, brilliantly complements the strawberry. Plus, it's low enough in alcohol that you can drink the entire bottle without getting sloppy. 

Posse Pairings

Champagne and fried chicken is the best pairing since bad breakups and Ben & Jerry's. If you're willing to shell out a couple extra bills, a dry Champagne - with its high acid, refined bubbles, and layered creaminess - is the greatest tool to cut right through the fat and balance the salt of a gorgeous piece of seasoned fried chicky. But, if you're still waiting on that tax refund, a Crémant de Loire (Loire sparkling wine) works just as well. It rocks all the personality of your favorite Champs without the hefty price tag.

What's a picnic without potato salad? Honestly, if you're counting carbs while the rest of your friends are pounding chicken wings and glasses of Zin, you should probably just pack up your hipster flannel blanket and go cry into a $15 salad. It's 75 degrees, sunny, and liquor's involved - take a cheat day and grab a glass of a dry Riesling like the Trimbach or the Dr. Loosen Red Slate ($20) with your potato salad. Its high acid will mellow the mayo and its luscious mouth-feel will mimic the salad's creaminess.

And then there's the quintessential picnic food: the sandwich. Now, if you're wondering why anyone would choose to drink wine instead of beer alongside this layering of crunchy, salty, cheesy goodness, you're clearly an amateur and we cannot be friends. Sandwiches contain some of food's most wine-friendly characteristics - salt, acid, and meatiness. Turkey sub? A dry rosé like the Bonny Doon Vin Gris de Cigare ($16)- with its notes of cranberry and high acid - is the move. And, when it comes to an old school Italian, as long as you avoid anything too sweet, you really can't F' Up. Grab a bottle of a smokey Syrah like the E. Guigal Cotes-Du-Rhone or a spicy Gewurtztraminer like the 2007 Brandborg ($15) from Oregon or whatever random white is sitting in your fridge... assuming it's not a Barefoot Moscato.

Bottles, Beaches, and Bivalves

It's finally December 1st and, while some East Coasters are dreaming about snowflakes and sugar plums, those of us who actually remember last year's apocalyptic winter are left fantasizing about beaches and bikinis. So, if you're lucky enough to be fleeing our climate zone between now and March (or are simply planning a summer vacation), here's a guide to what your beach diet should look like.

...Because Diluted Mojitos and avocado salads just aren't going to cut it. 

Boiled Maine Lobster with Drawn Butter

Who doesn't love a gorgeous hunk of steamy lobster - especially when you aren't murdering it yourself. But, if you need a little liquid courage before wrestling with those massive claws, grab a crisp, citrusy Albariño like the Don Olegario ($18). It adds the perfect hints of pineapple, lemon, and sea salt to complement the succulence of your sweet, buttery lobster meat

Lobster Roll

Lobster Roll + Dry Rosé = Douchey Deliciousness. Before lacing up that two-piece and heading to Lunch, Lobster Roll, buy a bottle of Bonny Doon's Vin Gris De Cigare ($18) or Robert Sinksey's Vin Gris of Pinot Noir ($28). Both rosés rock zesty, acidic finishes that refresh your palate after every mayo-laced bite. But, seriously, barring another Hamptons rosé shortage, steer clear of that watered-down garbage the Fat Jew's peddling. I don't care how #basic you may be... you're better than White Girl Rosé

Half a Dozen Pacific Oysters

Oysters like their wine the way John Mayer likes his women - white, pretty, and occasionally bubbly. They can hang with anything from a creamy Champagne to a dry, mineral-rich Chablis. Hell, if you're unsure, pull a Mayer and try a different glass per oyster... whatever floats your boat. Personally, I'm in heaven with a dozen juicy west coasters and a fruity, New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. A bottle of Oyster Bay is literally the perfect fit - it's a touch bubbly, packs an acidic punch, and mellows brininess 

Fried Calamari

Fried food without sparkling wine is like Mickey Mouse without the ears - it's just unnatural. If you wanna bump your crunchy tentacles up to the next level, go with a dry, Spanish bottle like the Brut Cava Anna de Codorníu NV ($15). Its riveting acidity, subtle effervescence, and silky texture balance the breading's saltiness and enhance the tenderness of the calamari itself. Cava and fried squid click so well, they should basically be out buying each other friendship bracelets      

Ahi Tuna Tacos

Assuming Elite Daily isn't your sole "news" provider, you've probably heard (and ignored) that you should be avoiding tuna the way you do those sidewalk petitioners. Most tuna - particularly those big guys (i.e. Bluefin and Yellowfin) - have been declared ridiculously unsustainable. And, even if the whole "destruction of the ecosystem" thing doesn't turn you off, much of our tuna supply is riddled with toxic levels of mercury. But, you know, if you've already consumed enough Alzheimer's-inducing mercury to render the Earth's impending implosion irrelevant... live dangerously and order a lil Ahi once in a while. For tacos dotted with spicy mayo and/or jalapeños, balance their heat and freshness with an off-dry Riesling like the Monchhof Urzig Wurzgarten ($16) from Mosel.

Greece: A country far better with its bottles than its budget

Santorini, Greece

Oh, the Greeks. Such a warm, fun-loving group of people... all of whom were clearly out doing Ouzo shots while the rest of us were in economics class. Nevertheless, despite riding the GDP strugglebus pretty hard for the last several years, the Greeks certainly haven't slacked in the wine department. They're not only drinking more in Athens, they've actually revved up their exports to the U.S. as well. And that's a serious #EarlyChristmasPresent, because here's the thing about Greek wines: they're elegant, complex, and food-friendly, but totally underrated - which makes them insanely cost-effective.  

Whites

Assyrtiko: (ah-sir-tee-ko) if you've ever experimented with Greek wines before, chances are that your initial experience was with an Assyrtiko. With it's lean body, inviting texture, and flavors of citrus and honeysuckle, you could do worse for your first time. Pair a bottle like the Costa Lazaridi Assyrtiko ($15) with grilled sardines and a view of the ocean.

Moschofilero: (mos-ko-fi-ler-oh) is the Aphrodite of Greek varietals - seductive, floral, and super aromatic. It flaunts a mouthwatering acidity and flavors of rosewater, grapefruit and mandarin. Honestly, Moschofilero's so sensual, I wouldn't be surprised if it were single-handedly responsible for the centuries of Greek bathhouse orgies. Pair a bottle of the Tselepos Classic Moschofilero with a plate of charred octopus and a half naked Grecian #OPA

Reds

Agiorgitiko: (ah-gee-or-gee-tee-ko) This one's a mouthful - both in its name and its body. It's a luscious, velvety red packed with enough structure and rounded tannin to stand up to the heft and the char of roasted meats. With its intense notes of toasted spices, cherries, and licorice, a glass of Agiorgitiko and an order of spit-roasted lamb chops remains one of the most satisfying Greek pairings you'll ever experience. So, don't let any anxiety about butchering the wine's name in front of your server prevent you from ordering a stunning bottle like the Gaia Estate Agiorgitiko ($20). It ain't worth it. If you're that nervous... just point.

Xinomavro: (zhee-no-mav-ro) easier to pronounce but slightly harder to drink than Agiorgitiko. Known for its intense acid and bold tannins, Xinomavro can come off as astringent; however, after a touch of aging, its hints of blackberry, vanilla, leather, and spices make it the perfect flavor profile pairing for Greek classics like moussaka (spiced ground lamb, potato, and eggplant, topped with a yogurt béchamel). Roll up to your nearest Greek diner with a DD and a bottle of Kir-Yianni Xinomavro ($23) from Naoussa. Just be prepared for a Big Fat Greek Coma afterward  

Here's how to Properly Carbo-Load before a Marathon (Assuming you're watching it from your couch)

Ever wondered how to pair your favorite adult grape juices with the world's greatest pizza? Then, read on. But, full disclosure: this is not a post meant to prove to Chicagoans, Californians, or the citizens of whatever other sub par pizza producing location that New York pizza is the best. It just is. This is not up for debate. Take a lesson from that Frozen chick and "Let it Go."

Margherita Pie: Motorino - 349 E 12th St., NY

When dealing with a Neapolitan OG like the Margherita, you should be sipping on something that matches its tomatoes' acidity, accents its basil's freshness, and complements the fluffiness of its crust. On a summer day, if you aren't drinking a fruity rosé with your Margherita, I'd recommend reevaluating your other life choices (just to be safe). Order a chilled bottle of Château Routas Rouvière Côteaux Varois en Provence ($14). In the winter months, however... reach for a gorgeously-balanced Chianti with smooth tannins and cherry notes like the Castellare di Castellina Chianti Classico ($20). This is a better pairing than T-Pain and autotune.   

The White Album: Speedy Romeo's - 376 Classon Ave, NY

White pies are probably the only kind served at RNC pizza parties these days, but, at least they're a tasty way to pretend color doesn't exist. In keeping with the whole "white-on-white" theme, add a glass, or 3, of Chablis. The Jean-Marc Brocard ‘Domaine Saint Claire’ ($19) brilliantly contrasts the pizza's deep, creamy garlic sauce. Assuming, however, that your pizza preference is less about race and more about an addiction to cheese, grab a floral, fruity Frappato. It's acid will perfectly cut the rich, saltiness of the pie's cheesy layers. If you're rollin' in a couple more Benjamins than usual, try the Occhipinti Frappato ($35) from Sicily - It's incredible and produced by a badass Italian chick, named Arianna, who's been making wine since she was 21.  

Soppressata Piccante Pie: Motorino - 349 E 12th St., NY

Planning to ignore the WHO's whole "Smoked and cured meats WILL DEFINITELY give you cancer" thing? Yeah, me too. You can pry that sausage out of my cold, dead hands. So, rather than swear off pork, just turn off CNN, Seamless your favorite meatlover's pie, and crack open a bottle of Nebbiolo. This grape's bright acid, bold tannins, and extreme juiciness make it the sexiest partner for the salt, smoke, and spice of your pizza. Try a Massolino Langhe Nebbiolo ($25) from Piedmont. 

Brussels Sprouts Pie: Motorino - 349 E 12th St., NY

For the last couple years, Brussels Sprouts have been the Beyoncé of the vegetable world - they're effortlessly fabulous, look great in basically anything, and everybody, at some point, has wanted a taste. That being said, since appearing on nearly every menu across the continental U.S., Brussels now seem more like the veggie equivalent of Taylor Swift (played out and pedestrian); nevertheless, in the hands of the right chef, these guys remain as delicious as ever. And, if you've never had them tossed in pancetta fat and baked into your pizza, get your ass to Motorino (East Village or Williamsburg) immediately - this pie will restore your faith in humanity. White wine addicts should inhale it along side a refreshing, dry Chenin Blanc like the one produced by Dry Creek Vineyards ($12). Red obsessives should grab a vibrant, fruity bottle of Barbera d'Asti like the Michele Chiarlo Barbera d'Asti Superiore 'le Orme' - for 12 bucks, you wont find a better pairing. 

Shroomtown Pie: Vezzo Thin Crust Pizza - 178 Lexington Ave, NY

Ordering this pie is the closest most of us will ever come to doing 'shrooms... and that's totally cool because it's a seriously better way to spend an afternoon than having a conversation with a polka-dotted hippo about Marcel Proust. Pair this pizza's 'shroomy goodness with a buttery, French Chardonnay like the Joseph Drouhin LaForêt ($13) or with a bottle that perfectly complements the meaty, earthiness of mushrooms like an Oregon Pinot Noir. King Estate produces an awesome bottle for $16.  

Greenpointer Pie: Paulie Gee's - 60 Greenpoint Ave, NY

Need to convince yourself that your pizza habit's actually nutritious? Go for a veggie pie. The good ones are nothing more than a piece of dough topped with a mound of arugula and shaved Parmesan anyway... you're basically eating a salad. And, what's the optimal pairing for a plate full of leaves? Sauvignon Blanc. Reach for a citrusy, green peppery bottle from New Zealand. IMO Cloudy Bay SB ($29.99) is the only move you should be making. 

Pre(Pairing) to Get Lucky?

Let me be clear - This is NOT a step-by-step guide to pulling a Cosby. There will be NO mention of quaaludes, Rohypnol, or GHB. This isn't even geared towards those 20-something "models" you see chugging copious amounts of rosé to get through what will inevitably happen with the bloated sugar daddy footing the bill for their table at 1 Oak. No, this is set of date night recommendations for two CONSCIOUS (it's absurd that I have to emphasize this), CONSENTING adults.       

if this is the vibe you're going for...

Then, Irrespective of gender, here's the alcohol formula you should adhere to:

"OR" is the operative word here. Two flutes of bubbly, two glasses of wine (red improves blood flow way more than white), OR one strong cocktail. And, yes, I realize that this may sound super restrictive if you're over the age of 17 or weigh more than 90 lbs. However, I have the liver of an Irish dockworker, and I still believe in sticking to this formula for a few major reasons: 1: Drunken hookups are sloppy - chances are that you or your partner will end up doing something highly embarrassing, regretful, or both; 2: Alcohol-laced morning breath is worse than mustard gas, and I'd bet money that one of you doesn't have a toothbrush; and 3: This is the perfect amount of liquid courage to increase excitement, improve performance, and avoid hangover-induced memory loss.

Now, what to eat?  

Don'ts

• Aggressively Spicy Indian or Thai Food - Unless you're under the impression that uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea and streams of snot are key ingredients for a successful first night with that special someone, stay away from these cuisines. You don't need to be "cultured" 24/7... just go check out the MOMA's latest East Asian exhibit in the morning
• Mexican Food - avoid beans in general... you know the drill
• Buffalo Wings* - The heat warning applies here too. Plus, I personally don't consider a chin drenched in buffalo sauce to be a turn on (but maybe you do). So, I'll leave this one up to your discretion
• Raw onions and/or Garlic - I LOVE garlic... probably more than my own family. So, this one's especially painful. A little garlic's fine, but you shouldn't smell like you're trying to ward off the cast of Twilight. The caveat: garlic + garlic cancels itself out. So, if you're really committed to that Aglio pasta, just make sure your date reaches for the garlic bread
• Steak heavier than 8 ounces - This one's a little less obvious. Guys seem to think that if they ravage a massive piece of meat in front of their date, it subliminally signals that they're ready to do the same in the bedroom. But, here's where the logic gets faulty - that quantity of beef (assuming it's not the only thing you've scarfed down all night) is going to cause bloating and exhaustion. Let's be real, unless you've also done a line or two, nobody's ever left a dinner at Peter Lugers ready to rage
• Crustaceans (i.e. lobster, crab, and shrimp) that you have to crack open with your hands - 1: sharp pieces of shell under your nails make for a majorly uncomfortable dinner and 2: it's the antithesis of sexy when a guy run his smelly, crabby hands through your hair. It takes at least a shower and a half to get that stench out. Hard pass

Do's

• Sushi - It's light, bite-sized, and you can even feed each other. For more info on what to drink with your nigiri, check out these recommended sushi pairings
• Seafood (i.e. oysters, scallops, whole grilled fish) - In the same vein as sushi, these guys won't weigh you down, you actually look seductive while eating 'em, and some can even put you in the mood. They generally come raw, lightly seared, or sauteed in butter and wine. I dare you to find a more sensual pairing than a glass of Moët and a caviar-topped oyster
• Steak (4-6 ounces) - Steak can be sexy, provided you don't ingest enough to knock you on your ass or stop your heart. If you do find yourself at a great steakhouse before a night of steamy expectations, feel free to go for that succulent piece of meat. Just make sure it's portioned appropriately. Pass out too early, and you may never get a round 2
• Wings* - If you, for whatever reason, can't bear to part with chicken wings, even before sex, you really need to try Bonchon. It's Korean, double-fried chicken, covered in a mess-free soy-garlic or spicy glaze. I'm not gonna lie, they make an arousing drumstick
• Dark Chocolate - This is a no-brainer. Whether it's coating strawberries or a cake's molten center, dark chocolate is the most tantalizing course you can order before your "actual" dessert. It's sinfully good, gives you a kick of caffeine, and amps up your serotonin. Plus, you can drizzle it on and lick it right off.  

Rollin' with the Homies

The difficulty with sushi-wine pairings is that, when you're dealing with radically different types of fish, often topped with competing flavors, it's nearly impossible to find a a single bottle capable of pairing well with everything. But, let's be real, you most likely aren't ordering a different glass per piece - especially if you plan to have a full sushi dinner. Even for a seasoned drinker, that's just aggressive. So, to combat such a drinking dilemma, I find that a good strategy is to group the pieces of fish you order by their compatible wine types. If you're doing an "Omakase," however, this approach is about as useless as a porn with subtitles. You may need to opt for the restaurant's pairing there.

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Sushi Lunch: Sushi of Gari 46 - 347 West 46th Street New York, NY (PC: Sara Snyder)

Tuna (Maguro/Toro):  Tuna’s like that kid in high school that everyone liked – he could party with the jocks, make sweet music with the orchestra, and rock out calc problems with the people who didn’t peak at 17. Because raw tuna possesses almost red meat-like characteristics, it pairs amazingly well with soft, complex, low tannin reds like Pinot Noir - try the earthy, Elouan Pinot from Oregon ($26). If, however, you’re hankering for a white, Tuna’s melt-in-your-mouth, fat is beautifully complemented by a smooth, buttery, unoaked Chardonnay like the Mer Soleil "Silver" from Santa Lucia Highlands ($19). The luscious texture match here makes this a serious winner.

Yellowtail (Hamachi): Because Hamachi is known for its rich, creamy texture (but happens to be a white fish), the white wines which pair well with fatty tuna work brilliantly with Yellowtail too. In my opinion, the Mer Soleil "Silver" Santa Lucia Highlands Unoaked Chardonnay ($19) or really any creamy, medium-bodied Chardonnay is a nice option.

Salmon (Sake): Just like Tuna, Salmon can roll with a variety of crews thanks to its salty, slightly smokey flavor profile. When it comes to reds, Salmon’s main squeeze is Pinot Noir like the Elouan from Oregon. For whites, it hangs the best with a highly acidic, dry Riesling like the Trimbach ($17).   

Eel (Unagi): Because the eel you receive at sushi places is always cooked/often glazed within an inch of its life in an Asian BBQ sauce, it begs for a fruitier wine with the right amount of effervescence and acidity to cut through Unagi’s fat. Go with something dry, pink, and bubbly like the Canella Rosé Spumante NV ($21). Eel can throw some serious attitude but this Italian Rosé can dish it right back.

Sea Urchin (Uni): If your sushi chef breaks out some gonads – as long as they aren’t his – you should pair their buttery, salty, sweet unctuousness with a steely dry, highly acidic white with moderate minerality/earthy undertones. When looking for a white like this, a French Pinot Gris is always a good starting point. In my book, if your Uni is looking for a life partner, and not a late-night booty call – definitely go with the Trimbach Pinot Gris ($20). For the compatibility and cost, it’s perfect.

Hungover AF? Try the Corkscrewy Cure

LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE TIMES WHEN...

Your night begins like this... 

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...but ends like this

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While your fridge looks like this

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This is what happens when Netflix binging trumps grocery shopping 

If your mornings after generally feature you moping around, begging people (occasionally strangers) to put you out of your misery... you are not alone. But, unless you happen to live in one of our euthanasia-friendly states (Washington, Oregon, California, and Vermont), you better have a backup recovery plan. 

For brevity's sake, I'm just going to assume I needn't extol the virtues of increased water consumption after a night of liver abuse. You're an adult and you're dehydrated as sh*t - water should be obvious. But, as I'm sure you've discovered on a few too many occasions, water, alone, is hardly a cure-all. In fact, while scientists have yet to agree on a single factor directly attributable to your hangover from hell, one theory is that, after a night of lowered inhibitions, ingestion of excess Tyramine - an amino acid readily found in alcohol - causes the blood vessels in your brain to constrict. The body's attempt to improve blood flow by widening those vessels is supposedly responsible for the next morning's throbbing, nausea-inducing migraines - the ones which I can only personally rationalize as karmic revenge for a past life of human trafficking. Your sudden, inexplicable craving for all things grease-drenched (in the event you aren't vomiting your guts out) is presumed to be your body's way of accumulating the fat [energy] necessary to counteract the brain's vessel constriction. 

And, although simply being aware of this info wont do much to help you pick yourself up off the bathroom floor, here's a guide - which should especially come in handy considering Halloween's right around the corner (and on a Saturday) - to make your November 1st not only bearable, but legitimately functional. 

Let's start with what you should be using to soak up last night's rail concoctions. If your fridge looks anything like mine, hit up your favorite delivery app immediately - a combo of ketchup packets, white bread, almond milk, and hemp oil does not a satisfying hangover meal make. You're hurting - this is NOT the time to play some BS, bootleg version of Chopped. You should, instead, be curled up, in a ball, in the dark, Seamlessing some form of crispy, golden goodness. Fried food is your friend here. Don't fight it. You can go for anything from empanadas to Krispy Kremes; but, personally, nothing alleviates anguish like a juicy piece of fried chicken. And, during hangovers, I'm equal opportunity - I don't care if it's Blue Ribbon, Shake Shack, or freakin' Mickey D's, as long as it once had feathers before being dunked in hot oil and brought to my doorstep, It'll help me muster the strength to go on. 

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Hangover Treatment, Step 1: Fried Foods

But here's the thing, fried food is just step 1 of the Corkscrewy Cure (trademark pending). Step 2 involves a little more of what landed you on the bathroom floor in the first place. And, listen, I get that the idea of ingesting more liquor probably falls on your priority list somewhere between running a 15K and getting Herpes. But, as anyone who's followed up an all-nighter with a Sunday brunch can attest to, a little hair of the dog will make the pain go away. And, when it comes to fried food and alcohol pairings, beer and liquor ain't got nothin' on a bottle of bubbles.    

Ready to Sparkle Again? B*itch, Break out the Bubbly 

Baller

Veuve Clicquot Yellow Label NV  - $50      

Quality Brut Champagne and fried chicken is the best pairing since bad breakups and Ben & Jerry's. Some people will insist you guzzle down mass quantities of ale with your basket of tenders. And, sure, you can... If you wanna be basic. But, if you're willing to shell out a couple extra bills, a dry Champagne - with its high acid, refined bubbles, and layered creaminess - is the greatest tool to cut right through the fat and balance the salt of a gorgeous piece of seasoned fried chicky.  

Balanced

Langlois Château Crémant de Loire Brut NV Sparkling Wine - $20

Not quite ready to pop anymore bottles of Dom after last night's bottle service? Try a Crémant de Loire  (Loire sparkling wine) made in exactly the same way as your favorite Champs* - just without the hefty price tag. The refreshing acidity and hints of fresh fruit cleanse the palate after each crunchy, salty bite.  

*Since, 2006, anything made outside of the Champagne region in France can't, by law, be called Champagne - they WILL sue your ass if you try

Budget

Medici Ermete Reggiano Lambrusco i Quercioli NV - $12

A few  too many bottles of André put you off "Champagne"? Try Lambrusco. It's an Italian sparking red, comes in all forms across the sugar spectrum, and is super economical - you can get an excellent bottle for 10-12 bucks. The tannins and high acid in a dry Lambrusco will mellow the chicken's greasiness and its cost won't make you overdraft.    

*If you decided to go with something a lil more pancreas-unfriendly than fried chicken (i.e. doughnuts, waffles, beignets, and the like), make sure to pair these guys with a demi-sec (off-dry) Champagne or sparkling wine. If you pair a sweet item with a very dry wine, the wine will end up tasting super bitter. 

Hey 'Rents, Where Oui Eatin' Tonight?

Foie Gras Torchon - Nopa Kitchen + Bar  (800 F ST NW, Washington, DC)

It's the end of the month, bills are due in a hot second, and you just blew through the last of your budget on a new pair of boots and two rounds of Don Julio shots. So what's a poor grad student to do to get a little reprieve from an entire week of ramen, mac 'n' cheese, and cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? How 'bout an impromptu visit to your parents' place? Now, a move like this assumes a number of factors: 1 - that they live close enough to prevent the trip from costing you more than the meal you're craving; 2 - the psychological berating you will inevitably endure - in the form of questions about "why you don't call enough?" and "why you haven't found a decent boyfriend yet?" -  doesn't offset your enjoyment of the meal; and 3 - they actually want to see your broke ass. But, presuming you've weighed the pros and cons of such a visit, you should break up the carbo-loading by giving your parents a ring.  

Personally, when I attempt to squeeze out a multi-course meal (or two), I go French. Considering the cuisine's hefty price tag, you could've crawled out of the womb clutching job offers from Goldman and Google, and it would STILL be highly unlikely that guys like Robuchon, Ripert, and Boulud prep your meals on a weekly basis. Hell, chances are you're still riding out your Verizon family plan. So, if you want to take a page out of the mooching playbook, drag your 'rents their area's best Brasserie and use this guide as a roadmap. 

Here's How to Feast like the French

Le Grand Seafood Tower

If you want to partake in the most decadent way to devour creatures of the deep, order a seafood tower. These babies are stacked to the brim with the freshest clams, oysters, cockles, lobster, crab, shrimp, etc money can buy and are generally served with lemon wedges, shallot mignonette, and/or a horseradish based cocktail sauce. I recommend pairing these levels of iced deliciousness with a crisp, citrusy Chenin Blanc like the Le Vieux Clos Savennières, a steely, mineral driven Chablis, or - if you totally want to blow the Somm's mind - a zesty, briny, and razor-sharp Picpoul. Each of these wines will complement the oysters' salinity, highlight the sweetness of the lobster meat, and act as the perfect squeeze of lemon for the clams - you won't even need those wedges.

Nicolas Joly Le Vieux Clos Savennières Chenin Blanc - $35

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Escargot

If you hate snails, you can escargot-f**ck yourself.  Drenched in butter, garlic, and herbs, these suckers (as long as they're cooked properly) may be the best bite of your evening. Pair your escargot with a buttery, unoaked Chardonnay (to be safe, steer clear of Californians) like a White Burgundy from Domaine Roulot. Or, if you're feeling a little frisky, go for a bottle, or 2, of a Provençal-style brut Rosé. These pale-pink wines are fruity, bone-dry, and super food friendly. I'm currently obsessed with the Château de Selle Rosé Coeur de Grain, but its a lil' pricey (~$45 retail). So, an economical alternative is the Donny Boon vin Gris de Cigare (~$18) - it's crisp, refreshing, and will totally balance out the heaviness of a butter and garlic sauce. 

Château de Selle Rosé Coeur de Grain - $45

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Seared Foie Gras

An unctuous piece of Foie (be it seared, a terrine, or torchon style) pairs with nothing so well as the sweet lusciousness of a Sauternes. This is actually considered one of the most badass pairings of all time. I realize that it may feel strange to drink a Sauternes (French dessert wine) with an appetizer course but, when sipped alongside a piece of force-fed, duck liver-y goodness, the wine's acidity brilliantly cuts the Foie's richness, while its sweetness complements the dish's fruity compote and/or jammy element. Try a glass of Château Rieussec along with as much Foie as your conscience will allow. Sorry, PETA, but torture is tasty.

Château Rieussec Sauternes - $25

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Steak au Poivre

For a gorgeous hunk of beef, your gut instinct is probably to grab a big, bold California Cab. And you needn't fight that. With a Steak au Poivre (pepper steak) - if you want to stick with Napa - go for the always elegant Honig Cabernet Sauvignon. It's high alcohol and balanced tannins (the part of the wine that makes you feel like your teeth are wearing sweaters) will slice through a fillet's fatty richness. However, if you find yourself wanting to absorb all the Frenchiness your Brasserie has to offer, order a smokey Syrah like the Côte-Rôtie "Brune & Blonde de GUIGAL"  from Northern Rhone. It's notes of blackberry and spice awesomely complement your steak's pops of peppercorn. 

Côte-Rôtie "Brune & Blonde de GUIGAL" - $75

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Chocolate Profiteroles

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Crème brûlée

Let's be honest, the party shouldn't have to end just because the server breaks out the dessert menu. Now, I'm not a huge sweets person (wine comprises about 80% of my sugar intake) but, with traditional, rich confections like chocolate-bathed profiteroles and crème brûlée, you've gotta pair your desserts with wines high in sugar. If you drink a dry wine with a very sweet dish, be prepared for the wine to come off as bitter and aggressive. The rule of thumb is that the wine should be sweeter than the dish it's paired with. So, as far as dessert wines go, try a Sauternes or a tropical fruity Muscat like the Domaine de Durban Muscat de Beaumes-de-Venise. This is one of the few times sweet on sweet won't make you nauseous. 

Domaine de Durban Muscat de Beaumes-de-Venise - $14

Don't Leave Me Tongue-THAI'D

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A lesson I learned a touch too late: Thai food is not appropriate for every occasion. It's particularly unsuitable for the “early in the game” dating scene. I’ve been there, thai’d that… Heads up: it was a freakin’ disaster. So, unless you AND your tinder smokeshow have stomachs of steel, DO NOT spend your first, second, or ESPECIALLY third date (assuming you’re into that rule) eating Thai food. It may be tasty, but it certainly ain’t sexy – except, of course, if you’re turned on by tears, runny noses, and frequent, potentially painful trips to the restroom. And, maybe you are (a total psycho) but, personally – if you don’t fantasize about blowing your brains out while listening to your date’s stories about a cat’s bizarre eating habits or a newly diversified stock portfolio – I don’t think a fiery bowl of Pad Thai is worth the risk. Dating in Manhattan can get exhausting. Don’t add to the stress by worrying whether a river of black tears is streaming down your face or that choosing to wear those white pants was a serious error in judgment.

Granted, this opinion refers (almost exclusively) to authentically hot, even Indian-influenced Thai dishes. All Thai restaurants are not created equal. In midtown, it’s totally possible to get stuck with an insipid Red Curry labeled as “hot”; and, downtown, there’s no shortage of “mild” Penang Curries that will corrode the roof of your mouth. While servers at a few joints will alert the kitchen to a non-Asian (read “White”) diner – an act which some consider racist, but I deem overtly compassionate – others will not.

So, to be safe, just table that Thai craving ‘till your best friend wants to come over, drunkenly bitch about her boss, and guzzle down a green curry.

Once you’ve chosen the correct companion (or opted to fly solo) for your masochism-laced dining experience, partner your dishes with something that will periodically relieve abuse your tongue is about to endure. Stay the hell away from water. This will be one of the only times that proper hydration will make you want to kill yourself. Instead, opt for a drink with chemical properties proven to tamp down heat. Milk can work, but now that like 80-something percent of the world is lactose-intolerant, Phuket. Just reach for that wine list.

So, what’s the NUMBER 1 RULE when it comes to pairing wine with spicy food? Alcohol amplifies heat. Accordingly, if you don’t want that seemingly innocuous, green papaya salad to incinerate your taste buds, pair your chili-spiked dishes with a wine lower in the good stuff. For reference, high alcohol wines are anything with an alcohol percentage of 13.5 or above (if you’re curious whether you are drinking one, you can find that info somewhere on the label). This category includes California Cabs, Argentine Malbecs, and Australian Chardonnays.

Tips for an En-THAI-cing Partnership:

Triple Three Flavor Fish (Left); Drunken Man Noodles (Right) - Jaiya (396 3rd Ave New York, NY)

With nearly any spicy veggie, chicken, or seafood dish – GO GERMAN: Most German (and Alsatian) whites, particularly Rieslings and Gewürztraminers, have a low alcohol content (9-12%), some residual sugar to mellow the heat, and high acidity to match a dish’s intensity. 

Reach for a citrusy, aromatic Trimbach Alsace Riesling (~$21.99) or try a tropical fruit-forward, off-dry Wagner Vineyards Gewürztraminer (~$13.00)

If you just aren’t that into whites or simply prefer a red with a meaty course – GO FRENCH. With dishes like these:

Kana-style Pork (Left); Sweet and Sour Beef (Right) - Jaiya (396 3rd Ave New York, NY)

 a light-bodied Beaujolais, with its low to moderate level of alcohol (10-12.5%), high acidity (allowing it stand up to a highly complex dish), and low tannin (Intense tannins can accentuate the bitterness of a spicy dish) is a brilliant pairing for a hearty Thai dish. 

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Experiment with a slightly-chilled, Beaujolais-Villages Château de Lacarelle (~$12.99)

Tapas: The Commitment-Phobe's Meal Made in Heaven

Selection of Tapas

Let’s be real, we all have that friend (or in my case, my mother), who, without fail, orders the wrong item on the menu. Like every miserable time. The dish, in most cases, isn’t even cooked improperly; it’s more that your pathologically picky eater convinces herself that she is cultured enough to be “culinarily” adventurous… SPOILER ALERT: She’s not. So, what’s the secret to maintaining your dining relationship with this fussy-ass eater? Tapas.

With tapas (Spanish small plates), seafood, beef, pork, cheese, veggies – it doesn’t matter – your options are virtually limitless. And the central rationale as to why these Spanish goodies should be the only feasting option for you and your finicky friend? Tiny portions. Each serving is generally somewhere between 3 to 4 pieces, maximum. That’s it. That’s all you get. UNLESS… you actually happen to LOVE it! Then, go crazy – order ‘till you start to feel your jeans tear into your abdomen. BUT, if you hate the dish, it ain’t no thang. It’s basically finished anyway. Push the plate aside and order whatever jamón-wrapped, fried cheese item you’ve been eying for the last 20 minutes. It’s the most beautifully noncommittal way to enjoy a meal. And, BONUS: the portion sizes are so small that the judgmental “you should go to the gym” inner monologue you may or may not have wont even be activated.

Considering the calories you're saving on small plates, you should be drinking some combination of the following:

*EXPERT TIP: Just like the food, the wine should feel non-committal as well. Go for glasses rather than bottles here so that you can explore what truly makes you happy. 

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Brandy-Spiked Red Sangria

Sangria: Most quality tapas places offer homemade Sangria in any (or all) of the elixir’s three styles: Red (Tinta), White, and Sparking (Cava). If they do, and you’ve heard their Sangria is something to write home about – GO NUTS. I have literally no rules here. To work up an appetite, I like to have a pitcher of the restaurant’s best version before the tapas ordering even begins. But that’s just me. Try one, all three, or intersperse a pitcher or two throughout your meal. Just keep in mind you’re definitely Ubering home.

Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut

Cava: As the Spanish answer to Champagne, Cava is always a winner. It’s also majorly economical – you can score a fabulous bottle of Cava for like $12.99 retail.  Pair your nutty, citrusy bubbly with Pan con tomate, fried goat cheese croquets, or seared octopus.

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Paco & Lola Albariño

White: Enjoy Galicia’s most badass export – the citrusy, peachy, super refreshing Albariño – with one of the country’s most ubiquitous tapas: Gambas al Ajillo (shrimp in sizzling garlic). But, honestly, I’ll pair a good Albariño with nearly anything. I'm talking from pancakes to sushi – they’re incredible.

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Monte Real Rioja Riserva 2007

Red: When scarfing down a bowl of Albondigas (Spanish meatballs), grilled Chorizo, or expertly cooked skirt steak, reach for a bottle from Spain’s red wine powerhouse: Rioja. Aged for at least 3 years, a Rioja Reserva, with its earthy, complex, mushroomy profile is an awesome, meat-friendly wine. 

Dinner by Delivery - Taco Edition

It's late, you're exhausted, and you've just collapsed in your doorway thanks to the coma-like state your boss, professor, mother, or ex has driven you into. You've hit that point where you can blink and wiggle your fingers, but not much else. Your only thought becomes, "How the hell am I going to feed myself?" And then, like a message from the heavens, it dawns on you - you're Seamless-ing, Grubhub-ing, or Postmate-ing this B. I don't care if the restaurant is 3 blocks away, you are clicking a few buttons on your phone and, in 40 minutes, a lovely person in a bike helmet is putting that food in your lap, before going on his merry way.

Now, what to order? Chinese, Mexican, and sushi tend to be your safest bets – they all travel decently well and you kind of know what to expect (i.e. you aren’t throwing your food out and heating up frozen Bagel Bites instead). But on days where nothing’s going quite right, a decent taco can make you step off the ledge.    

So, you've settled on tacos from that amazing hole-in-the-wall joint you tell no one about, but what to drink? Let's be honest, on days like this, you can barely muster the energy to wash your face, let alone craft a decent margarita. And, unless you stockpile enough quality tequila to drink on the rocks (and maybe you do, I don't know your life), you're inevitably going to need something to gulp down that pairs well with the feelings you're eating.

Beer is an option, sure. But, honestly, its probably not high enough in alcohol to take the edge off (unless you plan to have 6). So, it shouldn’t shock you, given the theme of this blog, that a great bottle of wine should be your go-to when it comes to delivery tacos.

Here’s a simple pairing guide for three very different taco options:

Fish Taco (fried or grilled): For a fish taco, reach for a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. Its citrusy, pineappley notes will brighten up your taco and its high acidity perfectly complements a white, flakey fish. All you need now is a bikini and a beach. Try a Nobilo Sauvignon Blanc - they're sold nearly everywhere and retail for about 11 bucks

Beef Taco (e.g. carne asada, barbacoa, ground beef): To beef up your beef taco, pour yourself a massive glass of Argentinian Malbec. Its luscious, black fruitiness will enhance the meat's juiciness and its body can stand up to a grill’s smoky char. Experiment with a Layer Cake Malbec - it features bold and spicy chocolate notes and will run you about $15

Pork Taco (al pastor, carnitas, pulled-pork): A braised or spit-grilled, greasy pork taco calls for a dry, sparkling rosé. Because pork tacos tend to have sweet elements, especially those marinated with pineapple or grilled onions, a sparkling, Spanish Cava is an excellent option. The Cava’s fruity notes highlight the taco’s sweetness and its acidity cuts some of the pork’s fat. Try a Freixenet Cordon Rosado - it’s a great blend and retails for like 10 bucks

Oyster Happy Hour, Anyone?

18 Nova Scotian Oysters paired with 3 glasses of Vinho Verde - Upstate: Craft Beer and Oyster Bar (95 1st Ave, New York, NY)

Whether you’re starving while saving the world at a non-profit (I see you), spending your days in a trading room and nights in a cubicle (hey, at least you skipped grad school), or you were picked on in high school, but then showed everyone by launching your own startup at 19, the one thing yuppies and poor grad students can agree upon is that oyster happy hours are awesome. Like, straight up, awesome. Unlike some of the more regrettable, possibly shame-inducing decisions you’ve made in your 20s, Oyster happy hours are a refined, but fiscally responsible way to spend an evening – especially if the venue hosts a $1 oyster deal.

For broad strokes purposes, here’s a quick ‘n’ easy guide to ordering oysters:

There are two main groups of oysters: East Coast and West Coast... it's the mollusk version of the Biggie vs. Tupac rivalry 

East Coasters tend to be larger, meatier, and brinier (i.e. they taste like the ocean). Menu options include: Blue points, Prince Edward Islands (PEIs), and anything from Nova Scotia

West Coasters tend to be smaller, sweeter, creamier, and have a more cucumber-y finish. Menu options include: Kumamotos, Hog Islands, Kusshis, and anything from British Columbia. *While these are my favorite, they also cost nearly double the average east coaster. Therefore, you'll be hard-pressed to find these guys on a happy hour list

Now, Onto the “Happiest” portion of an oyster Happy Hour - The wine.

There will always be a beer option… however, I don’t drink beer, so I can’t help you there. If you want to get all you can out of these slimy little guys, you can’t go wrong guzzling down any of these delicious options:

• With a briny, meaty East Coaster, drink something bubbly (i.e. a Prosecco or a Cava) – these tend to be inexpensive options that possess balanced acidity and light effervescence – they’ll bring your behemoth of an oyster to life
•  With a smaller, creamier West Coaster, go for a California or New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc (you are bound to find a decently priced one on nearly every menu), or even a dry rosé – their bright acidity will perfectly cut through the unctuousness of a west coaster

Now, I know oysters aren’t everyone’s bag, but I wholeheartedly encourage you to gulp down one of these suckers at least once* - they’re delicious, nutritious, and, while that whole “aphrodisiac” thing is probably a marketing ploy by the oyster lobby, once you get over the texture, your life will be infinitely better.

*EXCEPT the lot of you with shellfish allergies – I will not accept any liability for self-induced Anaphylaxis