Don't Leave Me Tongue-THAI'D
A lesson I learned a touch too late: Thai food is not appropriate for every occasion. It's particularly unsuitable for the “early in the game” dating scene. I’ve been there, thai’d that… Heads up: it was a freakin’ disaster. So, unless you AND your tinder smokeshow have stomachs of steel, DO NOT spend your first, second, or ESPECIALLY third date (assuming you’re into that rule) eating Thai food. It may be tasty, but it certainly ain’t sexy – except, of course, if you’re turned on by tears, runny noses, and frequent, potentially painful trips to the restroom. And, maybe you are (a total psycho) but, personally – if you don’t fantasize about blowing your brains out while listening to your date’s stories about a cat’s bizarre eating habits or a newly diversified stock portfolio – I don’t think a fiery bowl of Pad Thai is worth the risk. Dating in Manhattan can get exhausting. Don’t add to the stress by worrying whether a river of black tears is streaming down your face or that choosing to wear those white pants was a serious error in judgment.
Granted, this opinion refers (almost exclusively) to authentically hot, even Indian-influenced Thai dishes. All Thai restaurants are not created equal. In midtown, it’s totally possible to get stuck with an insipid Red Curry labeled as “hot”; and, downtown, there’s no shortage of “mild” Penang Curries that will corrode the roof of your mouth. While servers at a few joints will alert the kitchen to a non-Asian (read “White”) diner – an act which some consider racist, but I deem overtly compassionate – others will not.
So, to be safe, just table that Thai craving ‘till your best friend wants to come over, drunkenly bitch about her boss, and guzzle down a green curry.
Once you’ve chosen the correct companion (or opted to fly solo) for your masochism-laced dining experience, partner your dishes with something that will periodically relieve abuse your tongue is about to endure. Stay the hell away from water. This will be one of the only times that proper hydration will make you want to kill yourself. Instead, opt for a drink with chemical properties proven to tamp down heat. Milk can work, but now that like 80-something percent of the world is lactose-intolerant, Phuket. Just reach for that wine list.
So, what’s the NUMBER 1 RULE when it comes to pairing wine with spicy food? Alcohol amplifies heat. Accordingly, if you don’t want that seemingly innocuous, green papaya salad to incinerate your taste buds, pair your chili-spiked dishes with a wine lower in the good stuff. For reference, high alcohol wines are anything with an alcohol percentage of 13.5 or above (if you’re curious whether you are drinking one, you can find that info somewhere on the label). This category includes California Cabs, Argentine Malbecs, and Australian Chardonnays.
Tips for an En-THAI-cing Partnership:
Triple Three Flavor Fish (Left); Drunken Man Noodles (Right) - Jaiya (396 3rd Ave New York, NY)
With nearly any spicy veggie, chicken, or seafood dish – GO GERMAN: Most German (and Alsatian) whites, particularly Rieslings and Gewürztraminers, have a low alcohol content (9-12%), some residual sugar to mellow the heat, and high acidity to match a dish’s intensity.
Reach for a citrusy, aromatic Trimbach Alsace Riesling (~$21.99) or try a tropical fruit-forward, off-dry Wagner Vineyards Gewürztraminer (~$13.00)
If you just aren’t that into whites or simply prefer a red with a meaty course – GO FRENCH. With dishes like these:
Kana-style Pork (Left); Sweet and Sour Beef (Right) - Jaiya (396 3rd Ave New York, NY)
a light-bodied Beaujolais, with its low to moderate level of alcohol (10-12.5%), high acidity (allowing it stand up to a highly complex dish), and low tannin (Intense tannins can accentuate the bitterness of a spicy dish) is a brilliant pairing for a hearty Thai dish.
Experiment with a slightly-chilled, Beaujolais-Villages Château de Lacarelle (~$12.99)