Bottles, Beaches, and Bivalves

It's finally December 1st and, while some East Coasters are dreaming about snowflakes and sugar plums, those of us who actually remember last year's apocalyptic winter are left fantasizing about beaches and bikinis. So, if you're lucky enough to be fleeing our climate zone between now and March (or are simply planning a summer vacation), here's a guide to what your beach diet should look like.

...Because Diluted Mojitos and avocado salads just aren't going to cut it. 

Boiled Maine Lobster with Drawn Butter

Who doesn't love a gorgeous hunk of steamy lobster - especially when you aren't murdering it yourself. But, if you need a little liquid courage before wrestling with those massive claws, grab a crisp, citrusy Albariño like the Don Olegario ($18). It adds the perfect hints of pineapple, lemon, and sea salt to complement the succulence of your sweet, buttery lobster meat

Lobster Roll

Lobster Roll + Dry Rosé = Douchey Deliciousness. Before lacing up that two-piece and heading to Lunch, Lobster Roll, buy a bottle of Bonny Doon's Vin Gris De Cigare ($18) or Robert Sinksey's Vin Gris of Pinot Noir ($28). Both rosés rock zesty, acidic finishes that refresh your palate after every mayo-laced bite. But, seriously, barring another Hamptons rosé shortage, steer clear of that watered-down garbage the Fat Jew's peddling. I don't care how #basic you may be... you're better than White Girl Rosé

Half a Dozen Pacific Oysters

Oysters like their wine the way John Mayer likes his women - white, pretty, and occasionally bubbly. They can hang with anything from a creamy Champagne to a dry, mineral-rich Chablis. Hell, if you're unsure, pull a Mayer and try a different glass per oyster... whatever floats your boat. Personally, I'm in heaven with a dozen juicy west coasters and a fruity, New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. A bottle of Oyster Bay is literally the perfect fit - it's a touch bubbly, packs an acidic punch, and mellows brininess 

Fried Calamari

Fried food without sparkling wine is like Mickey Mouse without the ears - it's just unnatural. If you wanna bump your crunchy tentacles up to the next level, go with a dry, Spanish bottle like the Brut Cava Anna de Codorníu NV ($15). Its riveting acidity, subtle effervescence, and silky texture balance the breading's saltiness and enhance the tenderness of the calamari itself. Cava and fried squid click so well, they should basically be out buying each other friendship bracelets      

Ahi Tuna Tacos

Assuming Elite Daily isn't your sole "news" provider, you've probably heard (and ignored) that you should be avoiding tuna the way you do those sidewalk petitioners. Most tuna - particularly those big guys (i.e. Bluefin and Yellowfin) - have been declared ridiculously unsustainable. And, even if the whole "destruction of the ecosystem" thing doesn't turn you off, much of our tuna supply is riddled with toxic levels of mercury. But, you know, if you've already consumed enough Alzheimer's-inducing mercury to render the Earth's impending implosion irrelevant... live dangerously and order a lil Ahi once in a while. For tacos dotted with spicy mayo and/or jalapeños, balance their heat and freshness with an off-dry Riesling like the Monchhof Urzig Wurzgarten ($16) from Mosel.

Rollin' with the Homies

The difficulty with sushi-wine pairings is that, when you're dealing with radically different types of fish, often topped with competing flavors, it's nearly impossible to find a a single bottle capable of pairing well with everything. But, let's be real, you most likely aren't ordering a different glass per piece - especially if you plan to have a full sushi dinner. Even for a seasoned drinker, that's just aggressive. So, to combat such a drinking dilemma, I find that a good strategy is to group the pieces of fish you order by their compatible wine types. If you're doing an "Omakase," however, this approach is about as useless as a porn with subtitles. You may need to opt for the restaurant's pairing there.

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Sushi Lunch: Sushi of Gari 46 - 347 West 46th Street New York, NY (PC: Sara Snyder)

Tuna (Maguro/Toro):  Tuna’s like that kid in high school that everyone liked – he could party with the jocks, make sweet music with the orchestra, and rock out calc problems with the people who didn’t peak at 17. Because raw tuna possesses almost red meat-like characteristics, it pairs amazingly well with soft, complex, low tannin reds like Pinot Noir - try the earthy, Elouan Pinot from Oregon ($26). If, however, you’re hankering for a white, Tuna’s melt-in-your-mouth, fat is beautifully complemented by a smooth, buttery, unoaked Chardonnay like the Mer Soleil "Silver" from Santa Lucia Highlands ($19). The luscious texture match here makes this a serious winner.

Yellowtail (Hamachi): Because Hamachi is known for its rich, creamy texture (but happens to be a white fish), the white wines which pair well with fatty tuna work brilliantly with Yellowtail too. In my opinion, the Mer Soleil "Silver" Santa Lucia Highlands Unoaked Chardonnay ($19) or really any creamy, medium-bodied Chardonnay is a nice option.

Salmon (Sake): Just like Tuna, Salmon can roll with a variety of crews thanks to its salty, slightly smokey flavor profile. When it comes to reds, Salmon’s main squeeze is Pinot Noir like the Elouan from Oregon. For whites, it hangs the best with a highly acidic, dry Riesling like the Trimbach ($17).   

Eel (Unagi): Because the eel you receive at sushi places is always cooked/often glazed within an inch of its life in an Asian BBQ sauce, it begs for a fruitier wine with the right amount of effervescence and acidity to cut through Unagi’s fat. Go with something dry, pink, and bubbly like the Canella Rosé Spumante NV ($21). Eel can throw some serious attitude but this Italian Rosé can dish it right back.

Sea Urchin (Uni): If your sushi chef breaks out some gonads – as long as they aren’t his – you should pair their buttery, salty, sweet unctuousness with a steely dry, highly acidic white with moderate minerality/earthy undertones. When looking for a white like this, a French Pinot Gris is always a good starting point. In my book, if your Uni is looking for a life partner, and not a late-night booty call – definitely go with the Trimbach Pinot Gris ($20). For the compatibility and cost, it’s perfect.

Don't Leave Me Tongue-THAI'D

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A lesson I learned a touch too late: Thai food is not appropriate for every occasion. It's particularly unsuitable for the “early in the game” dating scene. I’ve been there, thai’d that… Heads up: it was a freakin’ disaster. So, unless you AND your tinder smokeshow have stomachs of steel, DO NOT spend your first, second, or ESPECIALLY third date (assuming you’re into that rule) eating Thai food. It may be tasty, but it certainly ain’t sexy – except, of course, if you’re turned on by tears, runny noses, and frequent, potentially painful trips to the restroom. And, maybe you are (a total psycho) but, personally – if you don’t fantasize about blowing your brains out while listening to your date’s stories about a cat’s bizarre eating habits or a newly diversified stock portfolio – I don’t think a fiery bowl of Pad Thai is worth the risk. Dating in Manhattan can get exhausting. Don’t add to the stress by worrying whether a river of black tears is streaming down your face or that choosing to wear those white pants was a serious error in judgment.

Granted, this opinion refers (almost exclusively) to authentically hot, even Indian-influenced Thai dishes. All Thai restaurants are not created equal. In midtown, it’s totally possible to get stuck with an insipid Red Curry labeled as “hot”; and, downtown, there’s no shortage of “mild” Penang Curries that will corrode the roof of your mouth. While servers at a few joints will alert the kitchen to a non-Asian (read “White”) diner – an act which some consider racist, but I deem overtly compassionate – others will not.

So, to be safe, just table that Thai craving ‘till your best friend wants to come over, drunkenly bitch about her boss, and guzzle down a green curry.

Once you’ve chosen the correct companion (or opted to fly solo) for your masochism-laced dining experience, partner your dishes with something that will periodically relieve abuse your tongue is about to endure. Stay the hell away from water. This will be one of the only times that proper hydration will make you want to kill yourself. Instead, opt for a drink with chemical properties proven to tamp down heat. Milk can work, but now that like 80-something percent of the world is lactose-intolerant, Phuket. Just reach for that wine list.

So, what’s the NUMBER 1 RULE when it comes to pairing wine with spicy food? Alcohol amplifies heat. Accordingly, if you don’t want that seemingly innocuous, green papaya salad to incinerate your taste buds, pair your chili-spiked dishes with a wine lower in the good stuff. For reference, high alcohol wines are anything with an alcohol percentage of 13.5 or above (if you’re curious whether you are drinking one, you can find that info somewhere on the label). This category includes California Cabs, Argentine Malbecs, and Australian Chardonnays.

Tips for an En-THAI-cing Partnership:

Triple Three Flavor Fish (Left); Drunken Man Noodles (Right) - Jaiya (396 3rd Ave New York, NY)

With nearly any spicy veggie, chicken, or seafood dish – GO GERMAN: Most German (and Alsatian) whites, particularly Rieslings and Gewürztraminers, have a low alcohol content (9-12%), some residual sugar to mellow the heat, and high acidity to match a dish’s intensity. 

Reach for a citrusy, aromatic Trimbach Alsace Riesling (~$21.99) or try a tropical fruit-forward, off-dry Wagner Vineyards Gewürztraminer (~$13.00)

If you just aren’t that into whites or simply prefer a red with a meaty course – GO FRENCH. With dishes like these:

Kana-style Pork (Left); Sweet and Sour Beef (Right) - Jaiya (396 3rd Ave New York, NY)

 a light-bodied Beaujolais, with its low to moderate level of alcohol (10-12.5%), high acidity (allowing it stand up to a highly complex dish), and low tannin (Intense tannins can accentuate the bitterness of a spicy dish) is a brilliant pairing for a hearty Thai dish. 

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Experiment with a slightly-chilled, Beaujolais-Villages Château de Lacarelle (~$12.99)