Hungover AF? Try the Corkscrewy Cure
LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE TIMES WHEN...
Your night begins like this...
...but ends like this
While your fridge looks like this
This is what happens when Netflix binging trumps grocery shopping
If your mornings after generally feature you moping around, begging people (occasionally strangers) to put you out of your misery... you are not alone. But, unless you happen to live in one of our euthanasia-friendly states (Washington, Oregon, California, and Vermont), you better have a backup recovery plan.
For brevity's sake, I'm just going to assume I needn't extol the virtues of increased water consumption after a night of liver abuse. You're an adult and you're dehydrated as sh*t - water should be obvious. But, as I'm sure you've discovered on a few too many occasions, water, alone, is hardly a cure-all. In fact, while scientists have yet to agree on a single factor directly attributable to your hangover from hell, one theory is that, after a night of lowered inhibitions, ingestion of excess Tyramine - an amino acid readily found in alcohol - causes the blood vessels in your brain to constrict. The body's attempt to improve blood flow by widening those vessels is supposedly responsible for the next morning's throbbing, nausea-inducing migraines - the ones which I can only personally rationalize as karmic revenge for a past life of human trafficking. Your sudden, inexplicable craving for all things grease-drenched (in the event you aren't vomiting your guts out) is presumed to be your body's way of accumulating the fat [energy] necessary to counteract the brain's vessel constriction.
And, although simply being aware of this info wont do much to help you pick yourself up off the bathroom floor, here's a guide - which should especially come in handy considering Halloween's right around the corner (and on a Saturday) - to make your November 1st not only bearable, but legitimately functional.
Let's start with what you should be using to soak up last night's rail concoctions. If your fridge looks anything like mine, hit up your favorite delivery app immediately - a combo of ketchup packets, white bread, almond milk, and hemp oil does not a satisfying hangover meal make. You're hurting - this is NOT the time to play some BS, bootleg version of Chopped. You should, instead, be curled up, in a ball, in the dark, Seamlessing some form of crispy, golden goodness. Fried food is your friend here. Don't fight it. You can go for anything from empanadas to Krispy Kremes; but, personally, nothing alleviates anguish like a juicy piece of fried chicken. And, during hangovers, I'm equal opportunity - I don't care if it's Blue Ribbon, Shake Shack, or freakin' Mickey D's, as long as it once had feathers before being dunked in hot oil and brought to my doorstep, It'll help me muster the strength to go on.
Hangover Treatment, Step 1: Fried Foods
But here's the thing, fried food is just step 1 of the Corkscrewy Cure (trademark pending). Step 2 involves a little more of what landed you on the bathroom floor in the first place. And, listen, I get that the idea of ingesting more liquor probably falls on your priority list somewhere between running a 15K and getting Herpes. But, as anyone who's followed up an all-nighter with a Sunday brunch can attest to, a little hair of the dog will make the pain go away. And, when it comes to fried food and alcohol pairings, beer and liquor ain't got nothin' on a bottle of bubbles.
Ready to Sparkle Again? B*itch, Break out the Bubbly
Baller
Veuve Clicquot Yellow Label NV - $50
Quality Brut Champagne and fried chicken is the best pairing since bad breakups and Ben & Jerry's. Some people will insist you guzzle down mass quantities of ale with your basket of tenders. And, sure, you can... If you wanna be basic. But, if you're willing to shell out a couple extra bills, a dry Champagne - with its high acid, refined bubbles, and layered creaminess - is the greatest tool to cut right through the fat and balance the salt of a gorgeous piece of seasoned fried chicky.
Balanced
Langlois Château Crémant de Loire Brut NV Sparkling Wine - $20
Not quite ready to pop anymore bottles of Dom after last night's bottle service? Try a Crémant de Loire (Loire sparkling wine) made in exactly the same way as your favorite Champs* - just without the hefty price tag. The refreshing acidity and hints of fresh fruit cleanse the palate after each crunchy, salty bite.
*Since, 2006, anything made outside of the Champagne region in France can't, by law, be called Champagne - they WILL sue your ass if you try
Budget
Medici Ermete Reggiano Lambrusco i Quercioli NV - $12
A few too many bottles of André put you off "Champagne"? Try Lambrusco. It's an Italian sparking red, comes in all forms across the sugar spectrum, and is super economical - you can get an excellent bottle for 10-12 bucks. The tannins and high acid in a dry Lambrusco will mellow the chicken's greasiness and its cost won't make you overdraft.
*If you decided to go with something a lil more pancreas-unfriendly than fried chicken (i.e. doughnuts, waffles, beignets, and the like), make sure to pair these guys with a demi-sec (off-dry) Champagne or sparkling wine. If you pair a sweet item with a very dry wine, the wine will end up tasting super bitter.